Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA  5.0, NFL  3.0  and Golf Clubs  4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I  do?

Signed,

Desperate.

——————————————–

DEAR  DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt  3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad  program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever  you do, DO NOT under any  circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will  crash Husband  1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good  Luck!

Tech  Support

Happy New Year everyone! Please ring in the new year safely and responsibly!

Cheers!!

As the party was winding down and only four people (three girls and one guy) were left – aside from my friend, her husband and my boyfriend – I reached for my purse to leave. My wallet was oddly sticking out of my purse, in a way that I would never leave it. I opened it up and saw that my cash was missing – all $60. I asked the four people left at the party if they had seen anyone go through my wallet and they said no.

Before driving away, I was standing by my car trying to piece together the events of the night in the hopes of figuring out who might have taken my money and that’s when the three girls who I had questioned ran out of the house hysterically laughing, got into their cars and quickly drove off. That looked very suspicious.

I went back into the house and my friend called the girls who ran our of her house without even saying goodbye, but they just gave excuses for their strange behaviors.

On my way home, I stopped at a gas station near my friends’ house and that’s where I was confronted by the three girls on two different occasions.

One girl pulled up next to me and after she gave me the run-around of random excuses, I told her that I didn’t care for what she had to say. The fact was that my money was gone and there was no way for me to prove who had taken, therefore, I didn’t care to continue discussing the matter and didn’t care to speak to her anymore. She got upset and told me that she has a job and gets child support. She angrily got into her car, peeled out and sped off in the direction of my friends’ house.

No more than five minutes later, the other two girls pulled up next to me at the gas station with the same excuses as the first girl and claimed to not have taken my money. I found it very interesting that these three girls would get so defensive when I simply questioned them and never accused them of anything. I didn’t know who took my money and couldn’t prove anything, but I didn’t trust them especially after they ran out of the house quickly following my realizing that my money was gone.

These two girls got more upset after I told to that I no longer care to speak to them. They called me anorexic, told me to go throw up and sped off, also in the direction of my friends’ house.

Now, here’s one thing that I don’t understand. Aside from the situation as a whole, I’ve been called anorexic and bulimic on various occasions by women who were angry with me. For those that know me, know that I don’t have an eating disorder and know that I like to eat as well as work out and keep myself physically fit. So, for a woman to call me anorexic or bulimic out of anger is not only funny, but flattering. I’m assuming these girls have never seen an anorexic or bulimic person and are simply hating that I look the way I do. In situations like that, in order to curb my anger at immature people who feel the need to insult others to feel better about themselves, I thank them for the compliment of thinking I’m skinny.

All in all, the night’s events were rather upsetting, but I can’t do anything about it now. Luckily, all that was taken was cash and not my credit cards, my car or anything of greater value. I believe in karma and know that whomever took my money will get what’s coming to them.

Last night, while flying over Jamaica on route to Argentina, we experienced some pretty violent turbulence. The kind that makes my pilot-aspiring brother nervous. I held is sweaty hand and told him we’d be fine… the irony! A wanna-be pilot who’s nervous while flying.

I don’t mind the turbulence at all until I get caught off guard in the restroom when the plan begins to shake and suddenly dips in a pocket devoid of air. One thing I have always said is that if I go down on a plane, it’s meant to be, but I absolutely refuse to die in an airplane restroom!